Community Reporter Anastasia talking to and listening to Tess about what she is proud of

Hi, Tess. Thanks for joining me today for our chat for women's voices and for the community reporters. Um, it's lovely to see you. And I was just wondering about something that you might like to share about an experience you're proud of as a woman

It could be during lockdown. It could be throughout your life in general, but an experience, an event, an achievement that you're proud about. Oh, um, I think still being here is quite a big achievement

Uh, I haven't been managed to keep going. Um, it's not been easy. Um um and yeah, I think I think Yeah, I I sort of struggled to say I'm proud of myself

Um, but I think there is something in Yeah, the fact that I've still kept going, no matter what. I've tried to stop. I have tried to stop a few times

Um, I've not been able to Yeah, but sort of, Yeah. Sometimes I look back and it's like, how did I get through some of that? And how how was I? Was I able to recover? Because I think you know, if that happened again, would I still be able to to get through that. And it it's I find it quite amazing

Sometimes it's like it. Looking back, it doesn't seem like me, but it obviously was. Me

Yes. It's like how how it's like you draw on this superpower, isn't it? At times when you need to and it just comes from somewhere, Yeah, it's It's really strange because you you don't know it's there When when things are going well, it's only when things don't go well. But you do find this this resource, this sort of almost pigheadedness

It's like this stubbornness where you go You know what? I'm not I'm not gonna let this stop me. I'm gonna keep going and I'm gonna, um you know, I'm I'm just gonna try and make. Yeah, I try and find something positive when I when I come out of it

I think sometimes at the time it's you keep going because you you can't do anything else. You don't really have an option. You just kind of just keep plodding through

Um, but then, yeah, when you get to the other side and you go, I don't want to have gone through that for nothing. Uh, yes. And I suppose actually Yeah, I suppose that's what I'm most proud of

The fact that, um, the last time everything went wrong for me in a big, big, big way and I became homeless and all the rest of it that I've managed to completely turn it around. And I'm able I'm now doing a job where I'm helping other people use their experiences to to try and change things and that I've gone on to do some ridiculous things. Like, I was the vice chair of the patient council at my local mental health trust for a while, and I I've done public speaking in front of loads of people, which is just wrong

Yeah, before this happened, I couldn't speak in a meeting, and now I'm talking into microphones and I'm being recorded, and I've written blogs about my experiences, and, um, I'm helping to influence change. And I'm helping to influence how other people think about their experiences. And I don't I genuinely don't know how I've managed to do it, but I have and yeah, it's strange to think I am proud of it

You should be proud of shows, and I don't really think that's a thing. Common to women or to you in particular that when our backs against the wall and everything is crumbling, including that back that wall that our backs against somehow. Well, as you said, it comes from somewhere that you like

This won't be in vain. And I think those achievements that you've just mentioned are incredible. And certainly things to be proud of is the one that stands out above all of them as a favourite achievement or thing that, looking back, you think Wow

Yeah, I'm proud that I did that, Um, I helped to write a report called Cause and Consequence. It's actually sort of. I was volunteering to do that when I got this job

So it's something that I've managed to carry into my work. Uh, and it was this reports about mental health and homelessness, which is pretty much that's my experiences. And we, um, helped he deliver sort of the the research for it and how to put it together

And we had this launch at I'm gonna get it wrong now. But what it's called, it's in Deans Gate. It's a big theatre in Deans Gate, and, um, it's now being used to influence Greater Manchester Mental Health Trust and their work that they do with homelessness

They've kind of taken from that report and turned them its priorities. And it's I don't let myself stop and look at it. It's quite emotional thinking about it

Are you OK? Yeah, it's just It's a bit like, you know what? I did do that? Um a really huge it is. It's there's a video that went with it and when I watched that video. So I hate watching it because I hate watching myself back

But when I have to because we're gonna use it in a conference or something, I need to try and, like, get a couple of minutes out of it. It's Yeah, it it's really strange and thinking about that, because that was at the start of this job. And how long have I been in this job? For now, Uh, it'll be three years in June, Um, and we started doing the actual research around the same time as the arena bombing, so it's all kind of wrapped up in that in my memories, it's really, really weird about the fact that I've used my experiences to help other people talk about their experience, and that's then gone into this report, which has been picked up by loads of people

And it's it's been talked about by loads of different people. It's just really, yeah, that that would never have happened if I hadn't got as things if things hadn't got as bad as they actually did. Yeah, that would have happened

I would have been probably still doing the job that I used to hate. Um, instead of doing the job that I'm doing now, which when it when it goes well, I find it really fulfilling. And sometimes I do go home and go, Yeah, I did that

And I You know, those people do that and you won't believe what that this person used to be like. And now they're like this and, you know, and sometimes I'll have been with people who never used to speak. And then I'm seeing them get jobs, and it's like, Oh, my God, um and that so it's Yeah, I I do think it is a thing that's quite common, especially among women, where we don't let ourselves step back and go

You know what I did that I did that was good. I think there's something about the voices that we hear throughout our lives that say You're not allowed to take that minute to stand on the winner's block, so to speak, you know, at the Olympics and hold your, um, your trophy up. But those experiences you've just shared so generously, thank you

I mean, we started off and you said, Oh, I don't know, you know, And then we've shared those experiences. I mean, it's not just like of changing for you. You you will never be able to count the number of lives that have changed as a result of your experience and what you did with that

So I'd say that is huge reason to celebrate yourself and be proud. So thank you. That is just amazing

It it's It is difficult to do it, isn't it? It's. It's difficult to to pat yourself on the back. I think it's so much easier to go

Yeah, but I didn't do that as well as I could have done. Or I could have done more on that or you. You you you think about those things you don't

Well, I definitely don't let myself see the full picture. I don't let myself step back and look at the whole of of what's happened or the whole of something that I've done. Um, because it kind of it kind of feels like you shouldn't It kind of feels I I grew up thinking that if you celebrated something you did, it was just egotistical

And you, you're not supposed to do that. You're not supposed to praise yourself and think I've done that and take some pride in what you've done because there's always something you could do better with the test, Your handwriting could have always been better or your could have been better or you could have done more. You know, you could have done more revision so you could have finished it, and then you could have done something advanced

Or there's always something, Yeah, and that I think there's something else that's changed. Since I've come through this. I I It's only since then I've I've been allowing myself to sometimes go

It's OK. You're doing all right. Um, yes

You help people help you. That doesn't take away from the achievements that you've had. Um, yeah, but it is

It's something that I It's so much easier to say to other people and recognising other people's achievements than it is to sort of to look back at your own and look back at your own. Yeah, things that you should be proud about in yourself. Yes, it's not an easy thing to do, but I think we need to practise it more

Perhaps, you know, and give ourselves that pat on the back. And I I was just wondering, as you were sharing so generously your experience there, that if someone was in that position that you were you mentioned being homeless yourself and how all of this has grown out of that lived experience of yours. If you were to speak to a woman in that position now who felt perhaps hopeless or that she had nothing to celebrate in terms of her achievement, would there be a message about something as women we're proud of that you could pass on, Um I mean, you're already touching all these lives that you will never know how many, but if one was to say, Oh, yeah, that's you, Tess

But I'm just living on Dean's gate at the moment. I could never do that. Is there something you would say to them in terms of encouragement? Just that I think at the time, I never thought I could do any of that

And sometimes now I still think I can't do it. It's I think it's it's taking. It sounds really twee, but it's sort of taken every day as it comes, or even taking every or as it comes, and through therapy and things

It's like some it you are. You made an achievement by choosing to get out of bed by choosing dress by choosing to have something to eat by choosing to step out your front door. They are all achievements because at some time or another, you would have chosen not to do that

Uh, so it's all just it's all steps and, you know, it's I used to find myself going, you know, thinking if if some part of me thought I might want to do that, it doesn't matter how big the fear was. Just say yes because I can always get to that point and back out. Yes, and sometimes I have

Sometimes I've gone into meetings and gone. Oh, my God, No, I'm not speaking, but it and then it's it's having somebody else there. It's telling somebody else that that you don't feel comfortable or having somebody you can confide in and you will find people who you can

It's it's it's having trust in other people when you don't trust yourself sometimes, yes, which. And I know a lot of times you say, Oh, you can't live with people until you love yourself And you can't trust other people until I think that's rubbish, then easier to love other people. And it's through their love of you that you realise that you are lovable and there are in you and through trusting other people, you find that they trust you

And sometimes, even though I find it weird when people trust me and they believe what I say, that questioning me, it's like, Why are you doing that? Um, but because they do that, it's like, Well, actually, maybe it's my perception of myself that's wrong. It's not their perception of me, and I need to think about myself and not to question them constantly because I trust them when it comes to anything else. Why? Why is it when it comes to how they look at me, and so that is kind of, I think, where what I would say to people who were kind of in a similar situation to where I was

It's that it's not gonna happen overnight. It just it happens and I slide back, and I'm sure everybody else has these periods where you slide backwards and I where I allow myself to stay in bed all day because life's overwhelming. It's really overwhelming

It's really, really tough, and that's OK. It's OK to out of bed. It's OK to just eat biscuits one day

It's OK to turn these, and sometimes it'll make you feel better for for, you know, a couple of hours and then the sugar crash will hit and you'll feel sorry for yourself. But you know it's not hurting anybody, So that's so um yeah and just just go at your own pace. There's no there's no rush

There's no rush to do anything. I think that is a lovely, a lovely point to end it on, go at your own pace and there's no rush to to do anything. I think that is just the perfect way to end your inspirational story

And I can only thank you really sincerely, Tess, for sharing. Not only with me, but all the people who will get to see this and listen to you and find encouragement from from your shared experience of your things that you're proud of. And I'm glad that we've had these few minutes for you to have time to be proud of yourself today because you really do deserve it

So thank you so much. It's been an absolute joy. Thank you

Thank you..

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