As Phil says "I suppose being in lockdown I had to do something about my alcoholism, it's changed my life for the better. It's like being back in the school of life. The only trouble is that it's been dark for so long, so really it's a fresh start for me not being that person any more. I try to keep it in the day and live on life's terms. If I am not sure of anything I try not to be afraid to ask for suggestions to help me with whatever I'm struggling with..." 

going to OK, so why can't? Yeah, so we're recording. Um So just to confirm that I've filled the consent form just now on your behalf. Yeah, that's right. Yeah

OK, so not much changed from normal. Um, except I'm just gonna ask a few questions as and as and when. Um So can you tell me about how you found living in the time of covid from the start? Really? Well, at the moment at first when I started covid, uh, I didn't really I didn't actually realise how bad it was, so I suppose more like everybody else

But slowly, as you were watching news and you you were starting to hear the hospitals filling up and they were on news constantly, I thought, Oh, it's quite bad is this? But I knew there was something really bad happening, but I just didn't really understand it. And then, uh, I think what that alarms bell ringing was I've got a friend that lives on road and she came to see me and she went Do you know what's happening, Phil? I'm scared and I give her loads of food. I give her loads of dried food

I thought Oh, that'd be fair enough. And then it just went dead. And then because I were on, uh, like, I had a few friends and they were texting me, and they'd gone into Halifax

It looks like a ghost town. Every everywhere is more or less shut. And I thought, all right, so I walked on to the shop, but the shop was open, so I didn't really take much notice, but would be, how can I put it? We're going to the basement as well

Basement project in Halifax. And, uh, they said the basement might be shutting down because of this covid outbreak. But we're just gonna We're gonna see what happens in a few weeks

So I kept going to the basement project, and, uh, and they were just sat there one day, and I said, Right after this, it's closing until further notice. So a But the reason why I go to the basement is because I'm a recovering alcoholic, and, uh, I go there for support, like we spoke before. And I was doing really well, you know, I'd stop the drinking and everything, but I thought right, I've stopped drinking it

I've got this I can do this and watching updates on news. But as the as time went on, I thought, It's not gonna come out. It's not

It's not gonna end as quick as I thought it would. And I thought I've got this, but I I didn't, so I thought, Oh, sorry, I'll have a drink. Nobody will know

And then before I knew it, I went back to the beginning with my alcoholism. So I started getting into a bit of a a poor drinking pattern, and, uh, I didn't realise how bad that was. And I I did try and get in touch with basement, and it was shut felt isolated because they were all being out and and that were it

Hm. Um, I found it quite difficult. I found it

Really? A few friends came, but they weren't in my bubble, so that that disappeared and, uh, found it quite hard, but I won't. Then I won't really bother because we were drinking and I've gone back to square one basically. But then I found it

Oh, how can you put it? I suppose we say about as everybody else. And, uh, the basement did open in like September and I got my name down, but they phoned me up and said, Phil, do you want to come back to the basement? But I were drunk and I didn't remember. So eventually I had to get my act together, and I did eventually start going back to base and everybody else started going back to the desk at the same time

But you have to have your name put down on a list and, uh, were quite bonkers, really. But it scared me and it struggled. But being isolated, I did have a couple of friends that helped me out, but they had to be in my support bubble and, uh, obviously living on my own

I was just in a bubble on my own, and it would just try to find how to do things, learning a different living. But there again, this is what made me laugh because I thought I stopped drinking and then going to a certain meeting at the basement, they said, How are you coping with isolation, fella, I says, Well, I'm not not doing too bad at the moment, but I'm struggling because I wasn't drinking and because you've got when you're when you're an alcoholic, you tend to isolate anywhere. But if you got your little friend, the boos were

But when I've not had my boos and they were isolated, I I started to struggle, so I'd start finding different things to do to fill the gap of the alcohol. So I just set myself little tasks through the day, like washing my clothes for a start or doing a bit of ironing, just setting, setting myself a little to do. But this were earlier on last year

Last year. See, that's another thing as well. You lose track of time

I didn't even know it were Wednesday today because every day is like ground up day, but finding different stuff to do. But to be honest, I've been five months sober now, Like I I've spoke to it before, and I've had to fill the gaps in from the alcohol because alcohol was a big issue in the lockdown for me and I I you know, it's, uh, found it definitely hard to break those chains that were rolled in me back and down, and, uh, I did suffer with a lot of illness before, like I I I had I got to go and I didn't actually understand why we were falling over all the time and losing my balance. And then I had a few hospital appointments previously before the covid outbreak, and they all got cancelled

So when it I thought, Oh, God, what am I gonna do now? So I just had to wait, and it was just a waiting game then. But eventually I did get a few appointments, even when I had to go for my MRI scan. But I didn't realise that I had claustrophobia, so I couldn't go in

So the only appointment that I had then was to go for an MRI scan, and I couldn't get in the machine because I I didn't like being trapped inside it. So they had to send me They had to make another appointment to go to hospital, and they decided to put me in feet first because I couldn't get my head in. So I had to, uh, wait for another appointment to go to Wooder Field because you're going in feet first in that one

And, uh, I did that. That's where I found out I had kidney stones and the gall stone and thought right. OK, leave it like that

And then, uh hey, it would have been It would just It was just a different way of living, I suppose, And, uh, did struggle, But I I I've met some really good friends in, uh, lockdown. And, uh, I've been helped by one of my best friends, and she showed me how to do zoom and stuff like that. And then everything sort of changed in the last five or six months, and it was for the best

So I could, like, use zoom on my phone. And then, uh, I got a woman called Nila. I don't know her last day and got in touch with me and that were maybe 67 months ago

And then I started receiving the help that I needed because I suffer from vertigo. I kept losing my balance, and, uh, I couldn't get in. I couldn't get in the bath

I got arthritis in my shoulder, so I couldn't get out. And, uh, I did explain this to a care worker, and she helped me with, uh, getting grab rails and put a seat in my bath. So I could get a shower, so that were good

But I I learned because I've been isolated and not a lot of people knew that I were here on my own, so I had to be more cautious. I thought, Well, if I fall, knock myself out and die, basically nobody will know about that. I'm here

So this is where the care workers started coming into play. But I can't really fault the NHS or the care work system because I knew that I really needed the help because I I were vulnerable on my own. So alarms Bell would ring in there and it was just like I need to connect with people because I didn't want to withdraw it to myself

And now it's been going on. Oh, is it a year now? Isn't it just isn't It's been going on for a year now, and it's like the different ways of coping mechanisms because my kids said, Oh, we'll bring your shopping up and then being being once I think or twice and it's like right OK, but I've got to be self sufficient. It's like there's no one gonna apart from a couple of friends or one friend

There's nobody else that actually comes to me out. And uh oh, my landlord comes two weeks and I thought, I've got to do something about this So I did start connecting more. And then when the basement opened, I actually did Colt and reduced my alcohol and started going back to the basement because I thought, If I end up like this, I you know I'm just gonna be destroy myself and it's it's so easy to do

It's quite sad, really. But it is because the oh can I call it It's, uh, it's a struggle. Every day is a struggle because it's like Groundhog Day

It's like trying to do different things that you're interested in. And it it's quite hard to find stuff that you're interested in because you can get bored, right? But I learn a lot of stuff from, uh, the A A Cos I go to Alcoholics Anonymous. It's like, say, I'm an alcoholic and it's like filling that void where I've got to put the alcohol down and find something else to do

It's quite hard. It's like being restarted. But now I've been so bad

Five months and two weeks, I think. And, uh, I'm trying to find other interests to do. So what? What kind of what kind of things have you have? You looked at film sort of interest wise

Oh, I like gardening now. It's been a long winter, and I do like tey photographs. You know, I've shown you some pictures that I do take, but the hardest thing I've found to do is suffer from really bad depression

So that hasn't helped that UN helped me at all. But putting the alcohol down The worst thing about recovery is you get your feelings back and, uh, the best thing about recovery is you get your feelings back and it's, uh, try to, uh, I just got a message on my phone. It's trying to find something to do that you enjoy doing

It's like hobbies, but I'm not right good with tech, and I'm not right good with the video games. I've got a PlayStation, but it's like 30 year old and I still can't do it. So that's no good

Uh, I enjoy going to the basement and talking to the same people. I do like reading, but I forget what I've read the first chapter. So if I read some of it, you know, it's got to be really great to lose interest in it

I suppose it like, I think, birds. I've been taking photographs at birds and I've got a squirrel that comes in garden, and, uh, it's just finding stuff to do that I enjoy doing. I don't like cooking

I'm the world's worst cook. Plus, I can't stand at cooking in a long time. And if I go into if I do something in the kitchen and then come into the living room, I forgot I've left cooker on, which can be quite dangerous

So I tend to, uh, use a lot of boiling water like, you know, smash and just use raw ingredients. And they say a lot of people did, like recommend ready meals, which is all good and fair. But the fat me and with me being at home and if I get fatter, I've already had gastritis, which I thought I were having a heart attack, which wasn't very pleasant, and that's, uh, that were really bad

So I had to change my diet, which I did cut a lot of fat out. But I've got to be careful as well because I've got deep vein thrombosis in my leg. So that's another thing I have to be careful of

But it's I keep. I don't try and project too far, either Keep it in the hour or just keep it in the day and just find little challenges to do, I suppose. Yeah, I set myself Little challenges like to, uh, get up in the morning, come down, make a cup of coffee, watch telly come round a bit, take medication, and then I'll just, like, find little

Just find little things to do in house because it's only me and, uh, just keep it tighter. But the more so it's just finding little things to do, it's like I can go out on the bus and go to basement now. But before I actually well, it nearly killed me

Uh, the depression, the alcoholism and some one man just had, like, a wake up call because my life would just get in out of Andy alcoholism and I had to give in and say my life would become more manageable, but then and just put the alcohol down. It would either that or die from alcohol. So how hard was it was it for you to do in terms of? Because I know it was like a big part of your life

What was it like when you when you stopped because you said you wouldn't kill turkey? Oh, God, it was. You get into a situation with alcoholism, and, uh, if nothing changes, nothing changes. So I could, like, get up and drink alcohol all day

Basically, when you put put the alcohol down, you start to get withdrawals, and then you get the shakes, you get the sweats. It's very, very uncomfortable. And you start being sick, dry, wrenching

Uh, I knew this was going to happen, but in a way I sort of embraced it, and I had to enjoy the fact that I was gonna try and turn a corner, and it was really painful. And, uh, I knew we had to do it because it were either that or die. And somebody I I told my friends I won't mention the friends on this, but they were good friends, and I thought they're gonna They're gonna come to my house one day, and they're just gonna find me because they'll realise I'm not ringing them or phoning them up

And, uh, I stopped eating. My clothes were hanging off there or my jeans kept coming down because I wasn't eating properly. It's a new learning process

So in a way, uh, I enjoyed it in a way because now when I look back, I think I don't want to get like that again and feel those feelings of her resentment, depression, anxiety, panicking. And that's why I really needed to start getting connected and going back to the A A. Because I went to the A a once and did the 12 steps, but I didn't really understand it

But now I understand it, Mum, I suppose the question before what do I do when I don't have not to do? I think I do start thinking about the things that I'm grateful for because being poorly having the withdrawals, it can actually kill you. But I did get suicidal anyway, so I wasn't right bothered. I thought I was more bothered about the people that had fired me if I did die

I know that's how dark it takes you. So within the five months of my recovery. I'm actually more grateful for what's going on around there

And even though I have got, uh, illnesses that won't go away, I'm more aware of her and it's like You've got to make You can't do everything in one go. I've noticed. So you've got to take things

Each thing that comes in its time. It's like this interview and we're thinking about it constantly all night and all this morning. What are we gonna say? It's self maintenance that I've got to be aware of

Make sure I eat or if I start struggling to eat, whereas before I didn't eat at all, so I'd start learning how to eat again. I know it sounds tough, but when you're coming off alcohol, you don't eat. And it the process

I knew the process of being in hospital. Before you start eating a little bit, you know, it's like you've got to force yourself to eat. So I thought, Well, I'll have a cup of soup

And if it takes me four hours to eat a cup of soup, I'll just have a cup of soup in that four hours and then you've got it started from scratch again. You've got to learn to look after yourself. Start washing and shaving

I couldn't even I were that bad. I couldn't even hold a razor and never shave properly. Smell shaking that bad

But I thought, Well, if I ever wash and not shave today, you know I'll just do my best. And it was like being reborn again. It was a whole new learning curve

So I started reading the, uh, a year book and got back in touch with my sponsor sponsor. And, uh, he helped me Tremendously extinct. Being in lockdown and suffering from alcoholism and finding out new things to do is, uh, it's been my learning curve

So I suppose, yeah, finding stuff to do in lockdown is finding out who I really am and getting rid of the alcoholism, which is a bigger task in itself because being isolated and being on your own it's actually quite easier because I've got no no dangerous people and dangerous places to go where, uh, what I call a dangerous person is Phil, Can I come to your house? We'll have a few. Yeah, OK, I've had to get rid of them. You know, there's no drinking in my house whatsoever

So I had to lose a few people that drink or not let him in the house because of covid, which is a good thing, really. So, no, you can't come to the house because of covid. So in in some ways, it's worked in a favour, but yeah, it's the isolation as well

So how can I? Sorry. Can I Can I just ask, um I'm just aware that, um we've got sort of five minutes left on zoom. Unfortunately, Um oh, all right

Yeah, it's, um it's a 45 minute uh, thing. Um OK, but, uh, how do you feel now? Because you've overcome a lot over the last year or so. What I The way I feel now, even though it's also from depression, I'm happy with myself to have five months, five months or greater, and I've had my covid jab as well, which is quite rewarding

But I've met some really nice people and the services that I've got it's like I can't fault them. They helped me through a dark patch and because I told them about my alcoholism, which I'd be had to be open and honest. It has helped a lot

So in a way, I crashed. I crashed into Covid, thinking I'd got it, got it all sorted, been on my own and realised that I hadn't got everything gone through the alcohol in bit alcoholism bit and realised it's gonna kill me. And yet I've come out of covid five months sober, and I think I'm doing really, really well with myself

Uh, but the help I've got I haven't really been isolated because without you guys I've been, I got I get a phone call off Nick. She kept in touch with me and she's helped me. And then you, Craig, you've really helped me

And then and and because I've had the services, it's like being having stepping stones, you know, one day, two day, or we'll call you on Friday. Or Craig will call me Thursday, uh, Tuesday, and it's like stepping stones every day. So with them stepping stones in like cutting the alcohol down, it's like being reborn again and like, yeah, OK, through covid, I've beaten the alcoholism

Um, I've had to address things that I wouldn't normally address, And even though my arthritis won't go away, or my deep vein thrombosis won't go away or my lung disease won't go away. I've got one alcohol. I've got rid of one disease that would have killed me

And that's alcoholism. And I've had to learn to live with myself. And, uh, I'm quite happy because I'm actually I'm not a bad person

I'm a good person. I'm just being trapped. You know, I don't I like helping people

But I could try and help them and give them suggestions, because the suggestions that I took on, they've helped me because one thing made me laugh. You know, somebody say, Oh, have you Have you tried this? But oh, no, I won't do it. It won't work for me

Have you tried it? Well, no, not yet. You know, it's I've tried the suggestions and I've took them on, and they've actually worked for me. Uh, the one thing that did resonate in me, it was So you're not going to drink for the rest of your life? And I suppose that's a big if a big thing for anybody to try and take on

But I thought It's not like that. It's just for today, you know, I just wanna have a drink for today, and it's really helped me. I try and focus on things now and be more grateful for what's going on around me

And, uh, just silly, silly little things I've come. I've got a warm house, You know, I've had a really cold winter, and I'm safe, and I'm warm. And I'm grateful for that

It's just the little things in life that I appreciate now, now and and just Sorry, Uh, just for the last sort of question. Um, what are you looking forward to in the future when things start to lifting off a bit? Well, I I do watch the news, and, uh, I can't believe how well we can all I don't. I think the government's done a great job

And the NHS they've done a fantastic job. I don't know what I'm gonna My future. I don't know what the future holds for me because I'm just gonna take it one day at a time

I've got to do a big skylight, try and go too far ahead. You know, I just want to live in the day and keep it in the day, because that's I know, I learned more about how my mind works by going to the A A and talking to people. Because I can't predict what I'm gonna do after this zoom meeting

To tell you the truth, I don't know whether I'm gonna go for make a cup of coffee. I'll go to the toilet, you know, or or or do some telly because we don't know what's going to happen in the future. So I don't really predict ahead

I just, like, set my little girl for the day. Yeah. No, that's that's grateful if I can just, um I'm just aware of it, Unfortunately, is a time, but thank you very much for your time

I do appreciate it. Is that OK?.

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