Do you ever wake up with a fear of getting up and facing the world that is so strong that ideas and things you are not supposed to think of appear in your mind?
I do, this morning I felt a pain in the centre of my stomach, it was the size of a two pund coin in the place where my belly button should have been. It was there reminding me of my past where I lived in fear and kept myself to myself. I would talk to noone because everyone appeared to have their stuff together and didnt need me to mither them about something inconsequential as my worries.
Bills, I had not paid, final reminders I did not want to face, people who I didnt want to see. All those things that seemed as if they had the power to take over my life and expose me as someone who wasnt quite as together as they seem.
These things are here to challenge me to be like a tennis player, to keep the ball from touching the line. There is life and breath in me and for this I am grateful. I am grateful for the people I have met, the good ones who remain a part of my world infusing my world with beauty and joy. making me laugh til my stomach hurts and cry til my well runs dry.
Then there are the ones who cause me to look at myself deeper, because if they are parts of me too, then i need work in certain areas of my self esteem. People who believe that the world is blind and are not able to see them sneaking around spreading their venomous thoughts among the good people. Those people whose pain is so deep they cannot see the finer things in life and try to take yours by osmosis.
Life has taught me, that the tests I experience are to make me a better person. They enable me to think outside the box. Often when the world is going well and life is good, I dont want to think about anything outside my pretty little box. The good thing is that I now experience more of the joy and less of the worry depending on how I manage my life. I am inspired by the niggles I have these days, cause now I have more blessings to count.