These social media posts from the first lockdown of 2020 sum up how conflicted I felt much better than I could try to explain in retrospect. To give a little context, I had always worked in events and spent every summer building music festivals and living in fields with my "extended family"; of course that type of event was the first to be canceled, and we are still not sure when it'll be back or if it will ever be the same. As our plan to finally buy a house of our own that March collapsed with the loss of work, we were lucky enough to be able to stay at my mum's, although that brought it's own challenges in such a small house!
I was scared of what might happen, frustrated at what was already happening, but grateful for what I did have. Such a confusing time for so many, but it was easy to get caught up in one's own head. It really helped to share and know that others were feeling the same.
" 25/04/2020... Another words vs photos post. Or a rambling of current feelings... We are so lucky to have safe access to natural beauty on our doorstep. The apple orchard that belonged to the psychiatric hospital (now converted to houses) is glorious at the moment, as are the wild flowers and plants in the attached nature reserve. Walking there is honestly the only thing that keeps me even vaguely sane. But even that couldn't cheer me up yesterday - a dire sign. It was just one of those days where I struggled to feel any sort of positivity about our future, which was then compounded by having harsh words from everyone in my house (apart from brother who was out working). There is no escape with this many people in a small space. Today I woke up feeling brighter and living for, and in, the moment again. But anxiety is bubbling up as new reports of covid19 killing people in my age group via a stroke - something which I'm susceptible to anyway due to the PFO discovered after I got the bends while diving. I'm being super careful now anyway as I don't want to spread it but what of post lock down risk? Time to cut down my alcohol consumption - which has definitely been a prop for me in these times so will be hard to do. And stop smoking - again this has crept up while housebound. And get fit... trying to do the couch to 5k program but ironically hard to find the time! All these things will cut my risk. Actually feeling pretty good right now, emotions don't seem to necessarily go hand in hand with thoughts. Just feeling so grateful for a safe home, beautiful nature and a healthy family.I hope every one else is doing well, and if you are not, then I hope the fog lifts for you and you can enjoy tomorrow."
"02/05/20 I can't think about the future without falling down a rabbit hole of doom. But when I ignore that and enjoy the moment I am in, it's possible to be very happy"
"19/05/20 Having had an inexplicably cheerful and positive Thursday, I then had 3 really low days over the weekend. That's the longest period of not being able to shake myself out of the miseries so far. But yesterday started to climb back out of the doom hole with the help of my sidekick, some wonderful birdsong and beautiful views. I hope all of you are having an upswing on the coronacoaster of emotions, if not then I hope your low passes soon"